footsteps on the north shore

How you can help...

2010-01-29T14:53:00.009Z

Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry that to pretend that he never existed. I need to know that he is remembered. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over. Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch or cause my grief. Don't say you don't want to phone in case it's a bad time. If I really don't want to, I won't answer the phone. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, it isolates me at a time when I most need to be cared about. Don't assume that someone else is looking after me - chances are that they are not. If you don't know what to say, just give me a hug or say "I'm sorry." You can even say, " I just don't know what to say, but I care and I want you to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you have the time to, and really want to, find out. I am not strong, I'm just numb. When you tell me how strong I am it it feels as though you just don't see me. If I look like I'm doing well, you aren't looking closely enough. Every day my life is filled with doubts and questions. Did I do everything right? Is it what he wanted? Did I miss something? Did he know how much he meant to me. Did I say everything I needed to, and everything he needed to hear? What on earth was he thinking of in those final days? Why couldn't I save him? I can't share these concerns with you because they are questions that no one will ever be able to answer. And if you try to, anything you say will seem insensitive and trite. I will come to my own conclusions eventually, but until then, this is what I live with 24 hours a day.

I will not recover, this is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick, or depressed. I'm grieving and that's different. My grief may only fully begin 6 months after my loved ones death. So don't think I will be over it in a year, or ever. For I am not only grieving the loss of my loved one, but also the person I was when we were together, the life we shared, the plans we had, the places we will never get to go together, the grandchildren he will never meet and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same. I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with Joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable. Please don't project your expectations onto me with your questions. "Did you have a good time" or "Did you enjoy yourself" are not good questions. They have only two options - yes or no. And I feel as though you expect me to say yes. And let's face it, that's what you want to hear. It's a much easier answer for you than "no. I spent the entire time trying not to cry and wondering if I will ever feel a moment of happiness again." If you really want to know, try an open question. "How did it go?" or "How was it?". And when I answer, don't say that I shouldn't feel that way. When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by making me feel that I'm not doing this right.

I don't understand when you say "you've got to get on with your life". My life is going on, I've been forced into a new role in life and it may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy may very slowly start to return to my life. The pain will never leave, it will just become easier to live with. But I will never forget, and there will always be times that I cry.

Please don't suggest that I will find someone else. I may never be ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what makes people think our loved ones are replaceable? They aren't.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs - even though I will probably cry. So please don't feel uncomfortable if I do. I am broken and you cannot fix me. I need you to just be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know that you believe in me and trust me to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time. Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you, not because I don't want to, but because I have no idea what I need. And trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have.

Please don't judge me now, especially if I am behaving strangely. Remember I am grieving. I may still be in shock. I am afraid. I feel guilty. I may feel deep rage. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I have ever felt before and one that cannot be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't be surprised if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief is like that at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel or that it's time for me to move forward. What I need now is time to grieve. I may have many things to live for, but I can't feel any of them right now. The fact that I am trying to keep going is enough for me, please let it be enough for you too.

Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me. Most of all, thank you for being my friend.

And remember, in the years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.

Welcome to the world Millie Faith!

2008-11-18T10:14:00.004Z

Just announcing the safe arrival of my great niece Millie Faith, daughter for proud Mum and Dad Laura and Gavin, and brother to a somewhat bemused 17 month old Ethan...

However, this latest addition brings the grand total of my great nieces and nephews to five - and it makes me feel very old! And Christmas is getting to be a very expensive affair these days... But I have to admit, a bunch of toddlers running around does alot to lift your spirits!

Welcome to the chaos that is my wonderful family little Millie - I may not be able to promise you riches untold, I'm absolutely sure that you will not go short on love...

Sleep tight Mr Sheep xx

2008-07-01T10:26:00.004Z

I have a space inside my heart
that marks the day we had to part
The day I lost my dearest friend
My loyal companion to the end

I am a mother, I am a wife,
yet something is missing from my life -
I have a job to fill my days
an ideal life in many ways...

Yet in the garden, or by my chair
I look for you - though you're not there.
There is a void I cannot fill
I think of you often, and miss you still...

The ever expanding family...

2008-04-22T12:09:00.002Z

Just thought that I would share the news that I am going to be a great aunt again! Some people are just gluttons for punishment ;0) I'm not sure what a 17 month old Ethan will make of a new brother or sister but I'm sure it will be an interesting time!

Anyway, big congrats to my niece and her husband!

Get well soon lovely Ethan...

2008-04-03T10:42:00.004Z

I've just returned from a visit to the north shore - and I'd forgotten how fantastic it was to be there. It was also a pleasant suprise to find that they were hosting the 2008 Jazz and Blues festival while we were there - it was a fantastic atmosphere. But, at least I had something to look forward to on my return - my great nephew's christeneing!

He is such a little star - and even though he wasn't very impressed when the water went over his head, he was so good throughout the whole thing (which is no mean feat for a 10 month old) but he is such a pleasant little chap... He had a lovely time being the centre of attention for the day, but unfortunately it didn't end on the high note it started on. By early evening, he was very unwell, and after a very unpleasant night for him, he ended up in hospital.

The poor little man spent two days on a drip and has had to have all sorts of tests - it's been a worrying time for the family. But, he is well on the mend and was able to come home yesterday, just in time for his Mum's birthday - that has to have been the best present she's ever had!

So, all is now somewhat calmer again (well, as calm as it ever gets) and this weekend we can all relax and get over the trauma! Hopefully, I'll get chance to sort my photos and I might even make a new slide show...

2008-02-18T20:25:00.003Z

I found this photo that I took of my beautiful hibiscus last summer and it made me smile! Not long to go until it is time for it to bloom again.

And there are now three solar lamps lit in the garden...

Busy, busy, busy....

2007-12-20T10:38:00.000Z

Just trying my best to fit in all the things that have to happen before Christmas - and trying not to worry about the things that don't! It's amazing how much pressure we put on ourselves in trying to create the perfect Christmas...

Anyway, just wanted to take the time to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy 2008. See you all next year!

Cold Feet!

2007-11-23T11:53:00.000Z

There can be no more denying it - winter is definitely here. The gloves, scarf and hat have made a re-apperance and my feet are constantly cold! But the sun is shining today so the cold doesn't seem to matter so much...

I went for a progress report at the hospital this week, and good news - my blood count appears to be stabilising. I can finally reduce my steroids again and have been given a six week reprieve, which is a great early Xmas present.

So all I need to do now is warm my feet up somehow... I was fortunate enough to take a holiday at the end of October (my attempt to keep the onset of SAD symptoms at bay for as long as possible). So I have some lovely memories to help to keep me warm - and loads of photos to remind me what a great time I had. This is one of my favourites so I thought I would share it with you - but I bet you can't work out where it is!

Onwards and upwards!

2007-08-02T08:51:00.000Z

Went back to the hospital for a recount yesterday and was relieved to find that my treatment is working. My count is now at 116 (which is about 30% of where it should be) but it's high enough to be generally safe - and a vast improvement on the 11 that it was at last week. So I get to avoid the transfusions - yay!! :)

The only down side is that I am looking at long term steroids - and the side effects are starting to really kick in now - but I can start to reduce the dose from today so they shouldn't get any worse.

My parents have been in a bit of a panic for the last week (it doesn't matter how old you are does it?) and my Mum wanted to come with me yesterday "just in case". I had to point out to her that she hadn't been to a doctors appointment with me for well over 20 years and I didn't think that she really needed to start again now. I thought that I had done a good job of convincing myself that "of course there would be an improvement", but my relief when I saw the results was immense. It's funny how after the event it is easier to admit that I was actually, for the first time in a long time, felling pretty scared about the whole thing.

I think that the hardest bit has been my concern over how my daughter has taken it all. She has always known that there was something ticking along in the background - but this is the first time that I've had a relapse and she's been old enough to understand what's been going on - it must have been quite a shock for her. She is a such a star, and has a wonderful way of lifting my spirits.

Thanks to everyone for the messages of support and offers of help and assistance - they were all very much appreciated. What a lovely bunch of folks you all are!!!

Not the best news...

2007-07-26T10:54:00.000Z

I always try to share positive things on my blog - but today I have to say that I am feeling somewhat crap - so can I take this opportunity to apologise in advance.

I had a bit of a shock yesterday. I went along for a routine 6 monthly monitoring appointment for my blood disorder to discover (totally unexpectedly) that all is not well. In fact, all is worse than it has been in over 20 years.

So, I was given two treatment options - neither of which are particularly appealing. The first (and most effective one) involves a few days in hospital followed by several weeks of illness and unpleasant side effects, and the second involves large doses of unpleasant steriods (for a prolonged period of time) and all of the asscociated side effects that come with them. The problem is, having been through both of these options several times before, I am only too aware of the fact that each time I go through this, the less effective the treatment gets - but the side effects seem to only get worse. Ho-hum...

I chose option 2 - and I have to go and be checked again next week to make sure that it's working. If not, I'll have to accept that the greater of the two evils really is neccessary. Anyway, to those of you who are unfortunate enough to have have to put up with me (and my mood swings, shivers, aching limbs, vomiting etc.) over the next few weeks - I'm Sorry!!!!

But on an entirely different note - can I just say what a great time I was having before my trip to the hospital. I had the pleasure of meeting a really genuine bunch of new folks and spending an interesting few hours with them - it made me realise how much I miss being in the middle of it all. So, thanks to all of you for making it such an enjoyable expereince for me - and I hope that I'll see you all again soon!

'Ups' and 'Downs'...

2007-07-09T13:43:00.000Z

What a week it's been - highs and lows all over the place! Wednesday was my wedding anniversary - and my lovely husband treated me to a wonderful meal out (an opportunity to not have to cook is always the best present).

On Friday, I went to see Russell Brand (not everyone's cup of tea I know - but he always makes me laugh - and he has the most amazing eyes) and on Saturday I was fortunate enough to be at the Genesis concert in Manchester (again, not everyone's cup of tea, but undoubtably three hours of some of the most amazing performances I have ever heard). Great!!

Unfortunately, this week has also seen me say a fond farewell to my lovely co-worker of over four years - and the place just isn't the same without her... But, for her, the move onwards and upwards is a fantastic opportunity to shine somewhere new as much as she did here, and I'm sure that her new team will appreciate her as much as I did . So well done lovely Em - I'll miss you!

How Long???

2007-07-01T13:08:00.000Z

I can't believe that it's been over two months since my last blog. When I stopped to think about all the things that have happened since then (some good, some not so good, some absolutely awful) it made me feel a little better about my lack of commitment - as I realised that my life has been a little chaotic of late, and something had to fall by the wayside...

But, one very positive thing that has happened was the safe arrival of my Great Nephew. Ethan David Jay arrived safe and sound on Sunday 27th May weighing in at a whopping 8lb 13oz - and I have to say that holding this wonderful little new being in your arms has an amazing way of making you realise exactly what it is that's important in life - and how quickly you can miss it if you're too busy looking elsewhere.

Life is all about balance I think - and the one thing that we never have enough of is time. So, please accept my apologies for my lack of posts and lack of comments - I'll try to come back on board again soon.

What a difference a day (or two) makes

2007-04-16T09:57:00.000Z

What a fantastic weekend! The garden furniture has had it's annual coating of protection (and looks in pretty good condition again), the patio has been scrubbed, the deck brushed...

It really is incredible the difference that some good natural light makes to my sense of well-being. I felt that this winter has not been to hard on me at all, but this weekend I found myself jumping out of bed bright and early with an energy level that I haven't been able to achieve for a long, long time.

And as we sat on the deck last night, enjoying the last of the sun and eating our BBQ tea, it was great to look at the garden and finish the weekend with a sense of achievement for a job well done (or well started would probably more accurate). Roll on summer!

The journey home...

2007-03-29T09:07:00.000Z

I was listening to a Nerina Pallot song on the way home last night and, for the first time, noticed that it contains the lyrics 'depression is only desire deprived' - which struck me as being a very flippant view of life.

But, it did start me off on a interesting train of thought. I can absolutely see why a very strong desire for something, left unfulfilled, could make someone feel depressed. In few days, if my Grandad was still with us, it would have been my Grandparents 65th Wedding Anniversary - and I'm sure that there is nothing in the world that my Nan will want more than to be able to spend the day celebrating with him - a very real reason why desire denied could cause depression.

But the implication in the song seems to be that depression is a result of not being able to have what you want - so is the secret of happiness being able to get what you want? And how many of us would really be able to pin-point what it is that we want so badly...

In the last two years I have had an abundance of fantastic experiences. If I am being honest, very probably as many as most people hope to experience in a lifetime - and I consider myself to be far more fortunate than I deserve. I have visited three continents, relaxed on fantastic beaches, enjoyed the hustle & bustle of capital cities, stomped across deserts, been on a gondola, stayed in 14th century hotels, had lunch with Mickey Mouse, swam with stingrays and dolphins, hurtled from 13 stories high towards the floor at high speed - so many memories that I couldn't possibly fit them all in a blog.

I have a loving family, a beautiful charming daughter and husband who is as good a dad as he is partner - no-one could ask for more. So does this make me immune to depression? I certainly have no 'desires deprived' - if only life was that simple. Or maybe I am just completely ungrateful?

Or maybe Nerina Pallot is just talking total crap...

I've been waiting for over twenty years...

2007-03-09T15:23:00.000Z

...and now it's finally happenend. The Police are performing live again in the UK for the first time since 1983, and I have been fortunate enough to get tickets. They sold out pretty much the instant that they went on sale so I am understandably thrilled to bits!!! Now all I have to do is wait for October...

The Rising Sun

2007-02-21T15:40:00.000Z

I've got a headache that just will not go away. I think that it's beacuse I haven't been sleeping very well for a while - and no matter how many short naps you manage to take, it's not the same as a good night's sleep.

I have to say though that this winter hasn't been too bad for me at all. There have been dark times, but mostly I have managed to keep the overwhelming exhaustion and feelings of despondancy at bay. I think that one of the things I have to thank for that is my little miracle light that simulates dawn - I haven't had to wake up suddenly in the dark via a rudely beeping alarm.

It's only a small thing, but it seems to have really made a difference for me, and now I have the knowledge that spring really is just around the corner...

The Happy Couple...

2007-02-13T19:22:00.000Z

I can't believe that it's almost a month since my last blog - sorry! But in my defence, it's been a really busy few weeks with one thing and another. My niece got married at the end of January, and it's probably fair to say that I was somewhat more involved than is usually expected of an Aunt.

My daughter was a most beautiful bridesmaid (much to her disdain - but as the only other girl in the family she graciously agreed to play the part) and my assortment of nephews dutifully played their parts as pageboy, ring-bearer and ushers.

We are a very close bunch - and it's not a rare occasion for the immediate family to get together. But for the first time in a few years, we had all four generations together for the afternoon - my daughter, me, my Mum and my Nan - who is 90 in a couple of weeks. It must be lovely for her to be able to see her 'ever expanding brood' celebrating together, and in the not too distant future, the next generation will arrive - my niece is expecting her first child at the end of May. It's a bit scary really, it was only five minutes ago that I was babysitting the bride - and I'm way to young to be a great Aunt...

A sample of Christmas - Disney Style!

2007-01-16T14:48:00.000Z

I always take hundreds of photo's wherever we go - I think that it does you good to look back at them and 'ooh' &' aah'...

I must admit that I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself for getting this slideshow working!

Wet weather, the dog and S.A.D...

2007-01-13T19:37:00.000Z

Getting out of bed can be a real chore some mornings. My head tells my legs to move but they take no notice at all - a bit like talking to my dog really... He's been loving this wet weather, for some reason his favourite pastime at the moment is rolling his face in the mud. Not sure how he manages to keep the rest of him clean, but his body tends to remain relatively close to it's usual colour.

I read on the Mind website yesterday that the only guaranteed cure for 'Seasonal Adjustment Disorder' is to live within 30º of the equator. So, I had a quick look on a map of the world, and this seems to involve moving to somewhere like Hawaii, Florida, the Canary Islands...sounds like a jolly good idea to me! I'm sure that my husband won't take much convincing - but I'm not sure how my teenager (or the dog) would feel about it...

The Christmas 'break'?

2007-01-02T10:13:00.000Z

Happy New Year! I hope that you had a fabulous Christmas and that 2007 brings you and yours every happiness. Now that the festivities are finished and it's time to return to work I might just get time to start blogging properly!

Not that I haven't enjoyed it all, but I'm totally shattered now (and skint) but it's all my own fault. It seemed like such a good idea at the time to book the family in for a long weekend at Disneyland Paris the week before Christmas. We had a wondeful few days surrounded by the total unreality of Disney magic - just what you need to get away from the pre-xmas stresses. Lots of good food, fun rides and snow! Our hotel was a fabulous replica of the New York skyline, and we had a room overlooking the 'times square ice rink'. The only down point was when we ended up stranded at Charles de Gaulle airport (the flight home was one of those that was cancelled because of all the propblems with Fog). And then for some reason, it seemed like another good idea to squeeze in a few days in the lakes between Christmas and New Year - more fabulous food - more inches to the waistline.

It was chaos trying to fit it all in, but I now have another batch of wonderful memories - you can't ask for a better gift than that...

Thinking of warmer times....

2006-11-23T21:45:00.000Z

I find it difficult to cope with the short winter days, sometimes it never really seems to get light. I should have been one of the many creatures who get to hibernate - I could find the thought of curling up in a warm and snuggly place and sleeping until the spring peeps through the mist very appealing at times.

I'm listening to Dido's Sand in my Shoes - it's funny how easily a song can take you right back to a certain point. Last time I heard it I was lying on perfect white sand watching my family splash about in a wonderfully clear blue sea. If I close my eyes I can picture it all so clearly...